by James Parsons
An Intoduction
to the Parsons family of Brisbane Australia
By their purchases, shall ye know them
Feb 12, 2008
Wife Julie went to K-Mart (a sissy's store) and brought home a can opener. This, my friends, is an Oxo - state of the art technology. It is ergonomically designed to fit the human hand - which really pisses the buffalos and giraffes off badly. It is big, shiny and black, designed to make your average Heinz can quake in its boots. This thing is so sensitive that if you cut your hand, IT yells 'Oww Shiiittt!" for you. In any case, it folds the edge of the lid over so that there are no cut edges. Comes with a lifetime guarantee - if it won't open your coffin, they give you your money back on the spot.
Feb 13, 2008 (Superstitious? ME??)
I went to Bunnings Hardware (a real man's store) and bought a fly trap ... as you do. Again latest technology. Works on the principle that if the stink is bad enough, flies will come from miles around. It is - and they do. It says on the label that it's not for indoor use, and I would agree with them.
For superb viewing, it's a clear cylinder with a cute little yellow roof. You put this bright green liquid in the bottom, the flies come and go under the roof and find the little holes to crawl inside the cylinder.... (how ya enjoying it so far?) THEN, they fall into the green soup and after, maybe 5, maybe 10 minutes of pain and suffering, struggling not to drown, they die. Aaawwww. When I first installed it on our front verandah post, I sat for hours, just fascinated. Now, I'm kinda blase about it...new things pale eventually, you know.
This bit's the good bit. After a few days, when the smell of the accumulated dead flies puts you off your morning coffee, you have to get 'em out of there. That 's MY job... and I'm very good at it. Julie says she'd have to watch a lot more times to be able to do it as good as me. I wrap up the little black, soggy mound in newspaper, make the sign of the cross over it (well, I'm not totally insensitive) and drop it in the bin.
Don't let anyone tell you that life in Australia is boring!
copyright James Parsons, 2008
